Joe Miller's JESTS
A Collection of the most Brilliant Jests; the Politest Repartees; the most Elegant Bons Mots, and most pleasant short Stories in the English Language.
First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious Gentleman, whose Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his lamentable Friend and former Companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq;
Most Humbly Inscribed
To those Choice-Spirits of the AGE,
Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer.
Printed and Sold by T. Read, in Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars,
Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.
JOE MILLER's JESTS.
1. he Duke of A——ll, who says more good Things than any Body, being behind the Scenes the First Night of the Beggar's Opera, and meeting Cibber there, well Colley, said he, how d'you like the Beggar's Opera? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.
2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at Drury-Lane Play-House, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the Stage to say something to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having took up, making a low Bow, this is no Civil Orange, I think, said he.
3. Mr. H—rr—n, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in Ireland, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in Dublin, Monoca Gall, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have been fairly entered.
4. Joe Miller sitting one day in the Window at the Sun-Tavern in Clare-Street, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd, Buy my Soals; buy my Maids: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest Joe, What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?
5. When the Duke of Ormond was young, and came first to Court, he happen'd to stand next my Lady Dorchester, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd. What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you hear in this Place.
6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more crooked Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then Ram's Horns, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.
7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at Tunbridge, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all pass the same Way?
8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers used to club their Three-Pence a-piece, four of them, to go to Westminster, and being called by a Lawyer at Temple-Bar, who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to Westminster-Hall: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for Nine-Pence.
9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would set him up, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six Week's Time he was in the Pillory.
10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the Tilt-Yard Coffee-House, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General Deluge; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that? I have heard of all the Generals in Europe but him.
11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr. Powell, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his Box; what said another of the Buskin'd Wits, that which George Powell gave you t'other Night?
12. Gun Jones, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a Rag to his A—. You lie, Sirrah, reply'd Jones, seven Years ago I had nothing but Rags to my A—.
13. Lord R—— having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at the Gaming-Table in Dublin, some Friends condoling with him upon his ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done, for I have bit them, by G—— there is not one Pistole that don't want Six-Pence of Weight.
14. Mother Needham, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par——, and the C—n—v—c—n will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to pay ten Times the Sum.
15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a very stinking Breath, the Words are good, said she, but the Air is intolerable.
16. The late Mrs. Oldfield being asked if she thought Sir W. Y. and Mrs. H——n, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is a Wedding between them.
17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. G——ve, who is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly;