big feeder, or if that didn't suit, why,
if he'd do it, I wouldn't object to being Minister to Cuba, when
the Cubans had been all killed, and were thoroughly dead?
But all be said was—puff,
Says General GRANT, says he.

V.

VI.

[4]      We hope none of our readers will labor under the impression that we look upon the above effusion as a poetical one, but, in this day of many isms, it may happen that the above style may become prevalent, and we think it our duty to present everything that is new. EDS.

2.02 TO HARNESS.

Mr. Punchinello on the Turf.

History relates that the era of Horse-racing commenced about the year 680 B. C., but it was some time after that when Mr. PUNCHINELLO made his debut as a candidate for the honors of the turf. To put the matter more concisely, it is just six days since he drove his horse "Creeping Peter" on the track at Monmouth Park, Long Branch. The only object which Mr. P. had in view, when he purchased his celebrated trotter and put him into training, was the improvement of the breed of American horses. While our BONNERS, VANDERBILTS and GRANTS are devoting all their surplus time and means to this great end, Mr. P., in placing the name of his yellow horse in the hands of the poolseller, would scorn to have a less noble aim.

But this great object need not interfere with others of less importance, and therefore Mr. P. will not deny that, after having exhibited to his friends and the sporting fraternity in general, his little investment in fancy horseflesh, he made up a very satisfactory betting-book.

Now Mr. P. believed,—and events proved him to be correct,—that when his friends and the sporting fraternity saw his horse, they would bet heavily against him. Mr. P., however, in all the pride of amateur ownership, bet quite as heavily upon his noble steed. His friends and the above-mentioned fraternity chuckled and winked behind his back, but although Mr. P. heard them chuckle and knew that they were winking, his belief in his final success never wavered. Any ordinary observer might be expected to remark that Creeping Peter was not entirely without blemish. Besides being spavined and having three of his hoofs injured by sand-crack, he had poll-evil, fistulas, malanders, ring-bone, capped hock, curb, splint, and several other maladies which made him a very suitable horse for the general public to bet against.

But Mr. P.'s courage never quailed!

When he made his appearance on the track (for he drove his horse himself) he was the object of general attention. The following view (from a photograph by ROCKWOOD) gives an excellent idea of the horse and driver.

Nearly everybody on the ground advised Mr. P. to leave his cloth in the stable, for it would certainly interfere with the speed of his horse and probably get wrapped up in the wheels and cause an accident. But Mr. P. would listen to nothing of the sort. He told everybody that he wasn't going to catch cold in his knees, even if he lost the race, and that he was perfectly willing to run the risk of accidents.

For the benefit of his readers, however, Mr. P. will lift up this heavily shotted lap-cloth and show what was under it.

Here is arranged a steam-engine, which drives the wheels of the vehicle, and which will of course propel the whole turnout, horse and all, at a great rate of speed.

It will now be easily perceived why Mr. P. persisted in keeping his lap-cloth over his knees.

The entries were as follows:

IN THE LIBRARY. Jones, (reading.) "THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM, THE OBSERVED OF ALL OBSERVERS." Jenkins, (with enthusiasm.) "PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF MY WIFE!"	IN THE GARDEN. THIS IS MRS. JENKINS, IN HER MORNING TOILETTE.
ROBERT BONNER'S	b.h.	Dexter.
DEREN O. SUE'S	b.m.	Lady Thorn.
PUNCHINELLO'S	y.h.	Creeping Peter.

When the word was given, the horses all got off well and Dexter immediately took the lead,—buzzing through the air like a humming-top,—followed closely by Lady Thorn, her nose just lapping his off jaw. For the first few seconds Mr. P. fell behind, owing to his fires not yet being properly under way, but the water soon bubbled merrily in his boiler, and his wheels began to revolve with great rapidity. And now he sped merrily. Never did the war trumpet inspire the fiery charger, or hounds and horn excite the mettled hunter, as the steam-engine in his rear woke all the energies of Creeping Peter.

Swift as revolving pin-wheels or rapid peg-top, those spavins, those ring-bones, those bulbous hocks, those sand-cracked hoofs and those rattling ribs went whistling o'er the track. Mid the shouts and yells of the excited multitude he passed Lady Thorn, overtook Dexter and shot ahead of him! But he cannot stand that tremendous pace, and down goes Creeping Peter on his knees. Every man who had bet against him set up a howl of rapture, but Mr. P. never relaxed a muscle, and on went Creeping Peter, just as fast as ever, his horny bones dashing away the sand and gravel like spray from the cut-water of a scudding yacht, and, amid the wildest clamor, he shot past the judges' stand on his nose and one leg, making his mile in two minutes and two seconds!

It is needless to dwell upon the results of this race.

Mr. P. now owes no man anything, nor is he even indebted to his noble steed. Behold his testimony to the merits of that valuable animal!

Something Original In Suicide.

An item in an evening paper states that "a man near Syracuse recently cut his throat with a scythe."

Well, certainly this was a new Mowed of doing the business, although, as it was the first instance of the kind on record, it cannot properly be said that the business was done à la mowed.

Jocular and Ocular.

Can the public be properly said to have looked forward to SEEBACH?

ANNA DICKINSON.

One bright October morning in the year 1828, a lone lorn woman by the name of GUMMIDGE might have been seen standing at the corner of a wheat-field where two cross-roads met and embraced. She was weeping violently. Ever and anon she would raise her head and gaze mysteriously in the direction of a cloud of dust which moved slowly over the hill toward the town. Her name was FATIMA. FATIMA GUMMIDGE. "Sister ANNIE," she cried, "what do you see?" But sister ANNIE was far away. She was not there. She was attending an agricultural fair in the beautiful young state of Kansas.

Thus gracefully do we introduce our heroine upon the scene. The reader will be able to judge, from this, whether we are familiar with the literature of our day, or not. He will be able to form a complimentary opinion of our culture. He will perceive that we are acquainted with the writings of Messrs. JAMES, and DICKENS, and BLUEBEARD. There is nothing like impressing your reader with an adequate sense of your ability for laborious research, when you are doing biography for a high-toned journal.

At what period in her career our illustrious victim applied to the Legislature to change her name from GUMMIDGE to DICKINSON, we are unable to discover. There is no record of the event in the musty tomes we have waded through at the Astor Library in search of reliable data. One thing must be apparent, even to the most violently prejudiced and brutish bigot—namely, that Miss DICKINSON no longer confesses to the name of GUMMIDGE. However disrespectful this may be to the memory of Mrs. GUMMIDGE'S father—but on reflection is it not possible that Mrs. GUMMIDGE'S maiden name was DICKINSON? There may be something in this. Let us see. Mrs. GUMMIDGE was born of the brain of Mr. C. DICKENS. Mr. DICKENS may be said to be the father of the whole GUMMIDGE family. This, of course, includes GUMMIDGE père. GUMMIDGE père was therefore DICKENS' son. Hence the name of DICKENSON. Very good, so far. Now—

But it is unnecessary to press the argument. If the prejudiced bigot is not yet convinced, nothing would convince him short of a horse-whipping.

The poet, when he wrote "Thou wilt come no more, gentle ANNIE," was clearly laboring under a mistake. If he had written "Thou wilt be sure to come again next season, gentle ANNIE," he would have hit it. Lecture committees know this. Miss DICKINSON earns her living by lecturing. Occasionally she takes a turn at scrubbing pavements, or going to hear WENDELL PHILLIPS on "The Lost Arts," or other violent exertion, but her best hold is lecturing. She has followed the business ever since she was a girl, and twenty-four (24) years of steady application have made her no longer a Timid Young Thing. She is not afraid of audiences any more.

It is a favorite recreation of the moral boot-blacks and pious newsboys of New York to gather in the evening on the steps of Mr. FROTHINGHAM'S church, and scare each other with thrilling stories of the gentle ANNIE'S fierce exploits and deeds of daring. Among the best authenticated of these (stripped of the ornate figures of speech with which the pious newsboys are wont to embellish the simple facts) are the following:

1. In the memorable canvass of 1848, Miss DICKINSON stumped the mining districts of Pennsylvania for FRED DOUGLASS, and was shot at by the infuriated miners forty-two times, the bullets whistling through her back hair to that extent that her chignon looked like a section of suction-hose when the campaign was over.

2. Near the close of the rebellion, Miss DICKINSON wrote to JEFF DAVIS that she was going to raise a regiment and go for him. Peace followed promptly.

3. In the year 1867 she published a book.

4. In the year 1868 she went to California overland, by railroad, alone.

5. In the year 1869 she attended a lecture by OLIVE LOGAN, and further showed her fearless nature by embracing Miss LOGAN tempestuously, and offering to marry her.

6. At various times during her career she has received and successfully done battle with 14,624 proposals of marriage, 14,600 of which were made to her in the city of Chicago!!!

These evidences of her courage are sufficient to show what she is equal to, under any emergency. We are now waiting to hear of a seventh act of bravery on her part which will distance all the above; when she shall have announced that she is prepared to lecture on "CHARLES DICKENS" she will have given the last convincing proof that she is equal to anything terrible.

(Should Mr. PUNCHINELLO object that this biographical sketch is desultory and "wandering," let him try, himself, to write the biography of a lady who is incessantly and frantically roaming from one end of the country to the other, and if he don't wander it will be a wonder.)

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!—HEIRS WANTED!

NEW YORK, Oct. 1, 1870.

We, the undersigned, as representatives of the family of the decedent, hereby call upon all heirs of the late RICHARD COEUR DE LION, who may be residing in or near this locality, to meet at the Astor House, in New York, on the fifteenth of this present month of October, to take measures for the recovery of such portion of the estate of said LION as is known to have legally descended to his heirs in this country. This property, to which it will be easy to prove that we, the undersigned, together with the other members of our family, are the lineal heirs, is believed to consist mainly of the two hundred thousand byzants assured to the said LION by SALADIN after the capitulation of Acre. This sum, which we have reason to believe was duly paid by said SALADIN at the time appointed, when reduced from golden byzants into greenbacks, and compound-interest at seven per centum for the term of six hundred and seventy-nine years calculated thereupon, will be found to amount to upwards of one hundred and seventy thousand million dollars. When the ransom money of twenty-five hundred Saracens, slain by said LION to enforce the speedy payment of the principal of this sum by the said SALADIN, shall have been deducted and paid to such heirs and survivors of said Saracens as may immediately present their claims, the remainder will be divided, (as soon as the necessary legal measures shall be taken,) among the heirs and descendants of said LION in this country.

The immediate object of the meeting, which is now called by the undersigned, is the collection of sufficient funds from said heirs and descendants to defray the expenses of a committee (composed of the undersigned) who shall be charged with the duty of visiting England, Normandy and Palestine, and obtaining such evidence and such copies of record in relation to this portion of the estate of the said LION, as shall make necessary a speedy and equitable division of paid property among the members of the family in this country.

Lineal heirs who may not be able to attend this meeting in person will have their interests taken in charge by the undersigned, on the receipt of twenty-five dollars, which will be due from each heir as the primary instalment on account of necessary expenses.

Punctual attention to this notice is requested.

(Signed)

JACOB