Dominion coffee-pot in your house? A. (Dejectedly.) No, sir.

Q. What kind of a coffee pot do you use? A. A common tin one.

Q. You are willing to swear it is tin? A. I am.

Q. Has your wife any sisters? A. She has two; ANNA and JANE.

Q. Are they married A. They are.

Q. Are either of them prettier than your wife? A. (Quickly.) No, sir.

Q. Have you any children? A. Two.

Q. Have they had the measles? A. They have.

Q. Has any other person in your household had the measles? A. I have had them, and my wife has had them.

Q. How do you know your wife has had them? A. She told me so.

Q. Then you did not see her have them? A. No, sir.

Q. We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear that she has had them when you did not see her have them? A. She told me so, and I believed her.

Q. Did she take an oath that she had had them? A. No sir.

Q. Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court. Do you understand the obligations of an oath? A. I do.

Q. Beware, then, that you are not committed for perjury. Is your gas-metre ever frozen? A. Yes, sir.

Q. What do you use when the gas will not burn? A. Candles.

Q. How many to the pound? A. Nine.

Q. How do you know there are nine to the pound? A. They are sold as nines.

Q. Then you never weighed them yourself? A. No, sir.

Counsel, to the Court. May it please your Honor, this is the second time that this witness has positively testified, under solemn oath, to important points of which he has no certain knowledge. I ask the Court for protection for myself and my client.

Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the Judge, and at the end of it the case was postponed for four months. I suppose it is expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; but I have determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall appear as a criminal. These fellows have much the easiest times, and they run so little risk, nowadays, that their position is far preferable to that of the unfortunate witnesses.

J. BADGER.

Singular Fatuity.

The reason why so few persons emigrate to this country from Poland, is the general belief prevailing there that we have throughout the Union a heavy Pole tax.

THE A.B.C. OF NEW YORK SOCIALISM. ANDREWS, BRISBANE, AND CLAFLIN.

THRILLING MELODRAMA.

Scene: Lord DE VERE'S Manor: The Blue Chamber.

Lord De Vere. "BUT ONE COURSE, LADY CLAUDE, IS LEFT TO RETRIEVE OUR FALLEN FORTUNES. WITH THESE DEAD CATS WE'LL FLY TO MICHIGAN AND START A MINERAL SPRING. THE MICHIGANDERS ARE WILD ABOUT THEIR SPRINGS, AND WITH THIS MATERIAL OURS CANNOT BUT BE A SUCCESS."

ONE OF OUR SOCIAL HUMBUGS.

Old Gent (figuring up probable receipts of his silver wedding, close at hand). "I'VE HIRED A SPLENDID TEA-SERVICE FOR BROWN TO PRESENT TO US; IT WILL MAKE QUITE A SENSATION, AND I'VE GOT IT CHEAP FOR THE EVENING."

POEMS OF THE POLICE.

I. MARY SMITH.

Sic Transit.

Life being in any event a transitory affair, and especially so in New York, where, every one lives some miles from his business, our means of transit are of interest to every one. However well the owners of those at present in use may insist that they are, yet the public feels they should be better, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO, having the interest of his fellow-citizens at heart, most earnestly hopes that the undertakers of the last new scheme will not so mistake the meaning of this term as to suppose that their business with it is simply to bury it.

Discounting a Bill.

The Germans are disposed to glorify their king, and look upon him as the Great WILLIAM; but when they commence to calculate the cost of his glory, in men slaughtered, homes desolated, women beggared, industries destroyed, taxes increased, and liberty chained, it is more than probable that they will become disgusted with their Little BILL.

Query

Can Russia's designs upon Turkey, at this season of the year, be attributed to her admiration and imitation of New England Thanksgiving customs?

A Maniac's Mutterings.

PUNCHINELLO'S special Lunatic gives it as his opinion, that a continuance of a horse-flesh diet in Paris must go far towards disturbing the Parisian Equine-imity.

An Old Saw Sharpened.

Some one has applied the old Latin motto, "Horas non numero nisi serenas," to Mr. GREELEY, by making it read, "HORACE is of no account except when serene," which, by the by, he never is.

Query for Naturalists.

How can a person who stands four feet in his boots be called biped?

DENTS-LY FILLED. Government offices.

KING WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA WAITING FOR HIS ALLY.

HIRAM GREEN ON MARK TWAIN'S BABY.

The "Lait Gustice" congratulates the newly organized Papa.

SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT.

Friend TWAIN—Allow an old statesman, which has served his country for 4 yeers as Gustise of the Peece, rite a congratulotery letter to you on your success as a boy raisest. Altho your name is MARK TWAIN, I notiss that on this occashon you dident Mark but One.

I am a little older in years and Parentelism than you are, and am able to call myself the seenyer pardner in a firm who are the sole proprieters of eleven offspring and 2 grand-children.

Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best holt, and as long as you've got into the bizziness, excoose me for givin you a little wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without makin up a face.

If your child, in its infantile days, is given to squallin nites, obtain a beverige, called soothin sirup, and just before you pull off your butes nites, give the little cuss about 3 tablespoons full, and he will sleep so sound that you can use him for a piller. Should he kick & squall, and refuse to take it, lay him down onto the floor, set on him, then takin hold of his nose, pour the stuff down his throte, and you've got him, ekal to Jo JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle 20 yeers snooze.

To amoose him—If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin the cookin, washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink bottle, and set him down on the parler carpet. If he has any idee of geografy, when you come home nites you will find a good helthy map of the black sea, which Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map.

Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let him play learn to shave. If he should cut his nose off, it would make the little shaver smart.

If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,' let him cultivate cheek. This is done by tyin his grandmother in her rockin cheer, and lettin him pelt the old lady with snow balls in the winter time. In the summer time get him a bow and arrer, and let him see how neer he come to the venerable lady's nose without breakin her spectorcals. If this don't make him cheeky enuff to hold offis, let him pour a lot of benzine onto his little cuzzin, then push her onto a red hot cole stove. If he can do this and think it a joak, he will do for a cabinet offiser.

If he tries to jump over parental authority, fill him with shot, same as your man did his jumpin frog, only pour it into him with a mustick.

If you've got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don't let your son rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash as to rite a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, when they catch your little innocent abroad.

JOHN BULL don't tickle easy, remember that. I actually believe you couldent stir him with a hul bag full of laffin gas.

As your boy has entered the Lecture field, I shouldent be surprised if he got up quite a breeze on the roast-rum. In fact, when he opens his mouth before an audience, look out for squalls.

When your offspring is big enuff to enjoy chastisin, remember the "good little boy," and examine your son's garments to see if the lad has been roostin onto any nitro-gleserine cans, lest the parental hand, when brought in contact with the youth's habeas corpus, mite necessitate the sweepin up of father and son's scattered remnants.

Let your son reed the works on good morril men's lives.

By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out in pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy. Beware of works of fiction. Don't let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin as HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on farmin. Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the numerous jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the loonatic dodge over 'em.

I don't believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I think it is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your child can occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he undertakes to kick over the traces.

Children are a good deal like wimmen. If you don't set your foot down when you first get married your wimmen will raise their foot up, and afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be histed out into the street.

With boys you must begin talkin turkey, when they are young goblins, ef you don't, when they get old enuff, they will "strike for their sires," and gobble up the old man's scalp.

Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English mission, when it comes his turn.

Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. JIMMY are on the decline, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail. I shouldent be surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there yet, which minds me of a konundrum. Why is the English mission like lager beer?

Give 'er up?

Because it ruins any minister's reputation, who goes for it.

Hopin that when you shovel off your mortil coil, that your mantle may not pass out of the family, and as time flies on with greased wings, you may make the family name sound by bein able to Mark Twain in your family record, I drop the goose feather.

Ewers, parentally,

HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,

Lait Gustise of the Peece.

A SURE WAY OF DOING IT.

Seekers after notoriety must often be at their wits' end for some new sensation with which to advertise themselves. Mr. TWAIN, for instance, having gone through Fenianism and France, seems to have collapsed for the present; and here now comes Mr. WEMYSS JOBSON, who subsided into oblivion years ago, but has just emerged again into the light of The Sun. The efforts of both these gentlemen to keep themselves prominently before the public, however, are very inadequate and feeble. They should suffer more and be stronger. Let TRAIN do a bold stroke of business by declaring himself the perpetrator of the latest mysterious murder, and it might be the making of the exhumed JOBSON to revive a fossilized memory, and confess himself to be the criminal who delivered the fatal blow to the late Mr. WILLIAM PATTERSON.

True to his Colors.

A Bostonian visiting New York, not long since, and reading in the papers that there was to be a celebration of Mass in an up-town church, decided to remain over Sunday for it, thinking, Bostonially, that Mass meant Massachusetts and nothing else.

SUITABLE INSCRIPTION FOR A BOATMAN'S RACE-PRIZE. "The noblest Row-man of them all."

A NEW LEAF IN THE FAMILY HISTORY.

Jack. "NOW, I'LL BE PAPA, GOING TO FIX THE FURNACE."

Sallie. "OH, YES!—AND I'LL BE THE NEW NURSE, AND YOU MUST KISS ME BEHIND THE CELLAR DOOR!"

BEHIND THE TIMES.

EXPLANATORY OF MR. JOHN BULL'S VIEWS.

POEMS OF THE CRADLE.

CANTO XIII.