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قراءة كتاب Misrepresentative Men

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‏اللغة: English
Misrepresentative Men

Misrepresentative Men

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دار النشر: Project Gutenberg
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natural becos
He had whatever time there was.)

His pulse was strong, his health was good,
He had no fads of meat or drink,
Of tonic waters, Breakfast Food,
Or Pills for Persons who are Pink;
No cloud of indigestion lay
Across the sunshine of his day.

And, when he went to bed each night,
He made his couch upon the soil;
The glow-worms gave him all his light,
(He hadn't heard of Standard Oil);—
At dawn he woke,—then slept again,
He never had to catch a train!

 

"When Eve appeared upon the scene."

 

A happy, solitary life!
But soon he found it dull, I ween,
So thought that he would like a wife,—
When Eve appeared upon the scene.
∗       ∗       ∗
And we will draw a kindly veil
Over the sequel to this tale.
 
MORAL
 
Ye Bachelors, contented be
With what the future holds for you;
Pity the married man, for he
Has nothing to look forward to,—
To hunger for with bated breath!—
∗       ∗       ∗
(Nothing, that is to say, but Death!)


Joan of Arc

FROM Pimlico to Central Park,
From Timbuctoo to Rotten Row,
Who has not heard of Joan of Arc,
His tragic tale who does not know?
And how he put his life to stake,
For Principle and Country's sake?

This simple person of Lorraine
Had thoughts for nothing but Romance,
And longed to see a king again
Upon the battered throne of France;
(With Charles the Seventh crowned at Rheims,
He realized his fondest dreams.)

Then came the fight at Compiègne,
Where he was captured by the foe,
And lots of vulgar foreign men
Caught hold and wouldn't let him go.
"Please don't!" he begged them, in despair,
"You're disarranging all my hair."

Unmoved by grace of form or face,
These brutes, whose hearts were quite opaque,
At Rouen, in the market-place,
Secured him tightly to a stake;
(Behaviour which cannot be viewed
As other than extremely rude.)

Poor Joan of Arc, of course, was bound
To be the centre of the show,
When, having piled the faggots round,
They lit him up and let him go.
(Which surely strikes the modern mind
As thoughtless, not to say unkind.)

But tho' he died, his deathless name
In Hist'ry holds a noble place,
And brings the blush of conscious shame
To any Anglo-Saxon face.
Perfidious truly was the nation
Which caused his premature cremation!

∗       ∗       ∗      

I showed these verses to a friend,
Inviting him to criticise;
He read them slowly to the end,
Then asked me, with a mild surprise,
"What was your object," he began,
"In making Joan of Arc a man?"

I hastened to the library
Which kind Carnegie gave the town,
Searched Section B. (Biography.)
And took six bulky volumes down;
Then studied all one livelong night,
And found (alas!) my friend was right.

I'm sorry; for it gives me pain
To think of such a waste of rhyme.
I'd write the poem all again,
Only I can't afford the time;
It's rather late to change it now,—
I can't be bothered anyhow.


Paderewski

WHILE other men of "note" have had
A certain local reputation,
They never could compare with Pad,—
(Forgive this terse abbreviation),—
Loot: Orpheus may have been All Right;
Cap: Paderewski's Out of Sight!

No lunatic, competing in
The game of Arctic exploration,
Can ever really hope to win
More pleasures of anticipation
Than he who fixes as his goal
So satisfactory a Pole.

The grand piano is his forte,
And when he treads upon its pedals,
Weak women weep, and strong men snort,
While Cuban veterans (with medals)
Grow kind of bleary-eyed and soppy;
And journalists forget their "copy."

And as he makes the key-board smart,
Or softly on its surface lingers,
He plays upon the public's heart,
And holds it there beneath his fingers;
Caresses, teases, pokes or squeezes,—
Does just exactly as he pleases.

And oh! the hair upon his head!
Hay-coloured, with a touch of Titian!
He's under contract, so 'tis said,
To keep it in this wild condition;
All those who wish for thatch like Pad's
Should buy—
(This space To Let for Ads.)

On concert platforms he performs,
Where ladies, (matrons, maids or misses),
Surround his feet in perfect swarms,
And try to waft him fat damp kisses;
Till he takes refuge in his hair,
And sits serenely smiling there.

He draws the tear-drop to the eye
Of dullest dude or quaintest Quaker;
The instrument he plays is by
The very best piano-maker,
Whose name, I hope you won't forget,
Is—
(Once again, this space To Let.)

 

"On concert platforms he performs."

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